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Story Of My Life
Outwardly, I looked like any child of seven. If
you took the time to look deep into my eyes, you
would soon notice something was very different
about me. What you would have seen through my
eyes was a hurting soul that was “far away,”
something you just couldn’t put your fingers on,
but you would have known that little girl was
not quite in touch with the present. You would
have been so right. My soul dwelt somewhere
between the horrors of the previous night and
the dread of even more to come.
You see, I had been abused by a Step Dad, a man
who married my Mother after she had me in an
unwed mothers home.... she was only sixteen
years old... She gave me up for adoption after
my birth. My new adoptive parent's were most
happy to be getting their baby girl...a bundle
of joy...
But this does not last...
My Mother marries a man that comes home from the
service...they had known each other since child
hood, but would never have thought to be
together and married...
He told my Mom that she would learn to love
him...does this tell you anything? The true love
of my Mother's life married another and so Mom
married my Step Dad, Larry. He steps in, decides
that my Mom should get me away from the adoptive
parent's and that they should raise me, and so
it happens. After a month of being adopted I
have one more month to be with my new adoptive
parent's and all papers will then be legal...I
am taken from the adoptive parent's and now I am
with my Mom and Step Dad...
The tragic beginnings of my abuse lies in the
blame that my Mother placed on me for not
getting the man she wanted as her husband...her
pregnancy with me was the end of all hopes for
that relationship. Sadly, she is unable to love
me. She leaves me with the step dad most of the
time and takes off with their children when
leaving the house.
The abuse starts...little by little ...day by
day...when Mother is out with the other two
children or when she is in the kitchen...or when
I am upstairs with the door shut and Larry is
supposed to be doing my school lessons with me,
...ha-ha not!!! You can guess the rest...
When I start bringing home bad grades the
threats start...plus the sexual abuse that had
never ended. The good old G.I. belt was used to
bring fear to me. A raised eyebrow meant ...you
are going to get it...and I did. More than once.
The sexual abuse keeps on till I am in fourth
grade...at this point; Daddy Dearest has surgery
on his back...
While he was disabled, I mustered up enough
strength to go to my Mother in the kitchen and I
stood hidden besides the refrigerator and began
to tell her of the abuse as she is fixing
supper....She never looks around at me ...she
never ...stops cooking...she just says...''go
wash up for supper, I will take care of this.''
I never heard another thing...Larry just stopped
sexually abusing me and started to beat me with
a G.I. belt on bare legs. He never allowed me to
do anything. All through high school all I knew
was abuse…no prom...no games...no anything. I
sat outside most times by myself, depending on
no one…needing no one...trusting no one.
I was amazed that, while in high school I was
finally allowed to date. But only one guy...I
grabbed hold of that man so I could escape that
dysfunctional home...and walked into abuse
again...and did so another time also.
Then I married my present husband, whom I feel
was sent from God above.
Lots happened between that time of two marriages
but I will skip over that.
The man I am married to now does not expect
anything but love from me. He spoils me and he
taught me love when I had no parent's or
grandparents to do so...
I also forgot to tell you all...my Step Dad,
Larry, became a pastor when I was young. He had
great power over his congregation...they all
thought he was it ...a man of God.
In later years ...when he could not abuse me
sexually, he abused other girls..
...they were in his church...and some moms also
had time with him I hear...anyway...I will go on
with my story.
When I was thirty-eight years old I was tired of
living in darkness... I prayed, and the Lord led
my husband and I to a church where we had moved.
I learned that I was not going to hell as my
Step Dad had told me, and I had been saved from
the heart when I was nine or ten-years old.
The Lord had to have been carrying me all the
way, even when I would beg him to make my Step
Dad stop what he was doing...
Anyway. We started going to church and the
pastor there married my present husband and I in
our home. We were both beaming and so happy and
I must say we have been happy ever since, even
today
After we were married about a year, I saw in the
paper that there was a survivor class of abuse
being started in the town where I lived. I was
filled with fear but knew I had to get all the
abuse over with...I had to heal. I prayed, Lord
please give me strength...walk me to healing
Lord, no matter what I have to go through so I
can be at peace and have the joy I read about in
the Bible lord...
Know what? He did. Step by step, day by
day...There was a lot of tears...fear...and
panic attacks. I had dreams of hurting my Step
Dad...there was days when I had no counselor to
talk to late at night when I felt like running
or breaking something! Of course, I did not want
to break anything of mine. Ha-ha. But, if I could
have placed my hands on something else I could
have broke every last thing offered .
I held on and waited on God to heal me. I knew
he was with me and guiding my steps to
healing...I know now that if He had given it all
at once, I would have ended up in a nut house.
Ha ! He knows how far to go with something and
when to bring rest.
In the healing process, I also had to come to
confrontation, when I had to write down my
feelings to my abuser and be able to send the
letter...this was hard to do. Letter in
mailbox...letter out of mailbox , till it was
left in the mailbox one day. The counselor said
be ready to be rejected when you get an answer,
from both your Mom and / or Step Dad.
The fact was, I was
rejected. Tossed on my face by my mother, and my
Step Dad said I would respect my mother...I
thought respect was earned...
Anyway, to this day she is
in denial, as I expected. But the truth is out and
it all took me five years. Hard years...tears and
tears...knowing I never really had a Mom or a Dad
or grandparents to depend on as a child or young
adult .... this hurts when you face the truth.
One thing I did have though
and the most important...was...I had God...my
father...my mother.... my friend.... my
Savior...He took me where I had to go ...but, only
when I gave up self and I let Him have it all. I
laid it all in His lap and walked away empty
handed! I know He smiled.
The Lord led me to healing,
to be able to face my abuser without hate and
anger...Jesus filled my heart with love and took
all the hate, fear, and anger I had experienced.
My cup today runs
over...with love .....only the Lord could give me
what I have today...I am at peace, and my husband
stood by my side the whole way and held my
hand...smiles...
Today the Lord has
made me new in Him! He allowed me to teach in
Sunday school...be in a bus ministry for six
years, teaching the kids as we went to
church...while my hubby drove the bus. He also has
allowed me to sing in churches...have story time
at the nursing home...have story time at housing
complexes for poor little children that need love
from someone...I even get to testify about my
life, from darkness into the light. Praises all to
my Lord and Savior!
The Lord gave me a poem in
fifteen minutes and told me that it would be
published, and it was. It is called, Dad's Way,
and it is on the net now. A friend put it on her
web page...it has brought many abused people to my
ICQ and to my e-mail. The Lord sends whom He will.
All to His glory. For who can stop our Lord...?
The Lord also called me to
be a prayer warrior on the net. On ICQ all prayer
warriors pray all night for people...we have seen
wonders happen when we pray...the Lord is
faithful...He has compassion on whom He will...
I
wanted to add this addition to my testimony...
Just when I thought my
healing was complete, the Lord knew better. On
March 11th 2002 my Step Dad, Larry, my abuser had
his head opened up in the hospital, to reveal two
tumors that were cancerous. There was also cancer
in his lungs and most part of his body... Bad kind
of cancer. None of the family members that were
with him called me to let me know until two weeks
later.
Larry, asked my sister to
call me and tell me that he wanted to see me if I
would come. I then called my mother, who is even
now in denial most of the time...
She handed the phone to
Larry and he talked to me for the first time in
years.... he said, "I am so sorry for what I have
done to you and I want forgiveness if you can
forgive me..."
I proceeded to tell him
about all the hurts he had brought to my children
and myself...he agreed that he had indeed hurt us
deeply...
I then said... “You are
forgiven.” But he still asked if I would come to
see him one last time and let him hug me and he
added, I could at that time beat him up if I felt
I needed to.
Long story short, my
son, his wife, our granddaughter, my husband and I
headed to see him the next day...I knew that if I
did not go I may regret it the rest of my life...
When we got to the house we
went in and Larry wanted me to sit on the edge of
the hospital bed in the living room where he was.
I did so. Mom ushered out all of the other people
to the kitchen. My husband was with me and in the
back of the room,
Larry broke into tears and
hugged me and kept saying, “Please forgive me,”
breaking down with crashes of tears.
I felt the presence
of the Lord come upon me and I know the prayer
warriors and friends I had on the net were
praying, because the Lord's love came upon me when
I spoke. I knew it was the Lord working through
me...
I talked for the
first time to Larry...as an equal...not the
victim. We recited the Lord’s Prayer together. He
broke down crying when we got to the part ...for
you are with me...and the part...my cup runs
over...
We recited together John 14 verse 6...Then
I asked him..."Which of us deserves heaven?" He
looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “No
one..."
I said, “You are so right, it is not what you or I
have done but what the Lord did for us that
matters." Larry agreed with this also. He also
told me that when he got to heaven that he would
be waiting for me to escort me to the throne of
God, at which it was my time to cry again. I had
broke down before this statement ... long before
this...
I then got up to let him have his pain shot. He
did not take the shot that morning as he always
done because he wanted to be alert when I got
there
He rested...When it was time for us to leave; Mom
woke Larry up and said, "Larry, Bev is getting
ready to leave now. Do you want to tell her
good-bye?”
It took awhile to wake him up due to the medicine
that usually put him under so he could rest
without all the pain. He opened his eyes...I will
never forget when he looked at me...because he
broke down again asking for forgiveness. I said,
"The Lord has revealed some things to you hasn't
He.” To this he replied..."Yes He has."
Funny that when a person is at the door of
death is when the Lord makes Himself known right
at that time. Anyway, Larry hugged me and held
onto me so tight that my husband had to get
between us so that I could get up. Larry had kept
calling me his baby girl to which I felt nothing.
I told him I was sorry, but I just did not know
how to feel about him saying that after all the
abuse I had suffered as a child...he cried again.
When we left I looked back at him and he waved and
smiled from his bed and said, "I will see you." My
reply was, “Yes you will.” That is the last time I
saw him.
After I left, he stopped taking his heart
medicine. Two days later, he died at 7:30 PM on
March 25, 2002.
He was in the presence of our Lord with a big
smile on his face I am sure.
At this time my husband and I were praying here at
home that the Lord would put angels around him and
that he would have no more pain and that he would
be in the presence of our Lord...we had looked at
the clock when we had prayed...funny, that is when
my Mom said later that night that Larry had died.
At the time we were asking the Lord to take him.
Awesome, right?
Love is all that mattered when all else stayed
behind and this is what will happen to us all. So
focus on our Lord and His ways, for that is all
that will matter when you or I are taken from this
earth...
God bless you all, and I say to all that struggle,
LET GO AND LET GOD, and He will have His way
through you! Are you willing vessels? I hope
so...He will bless your lives, as you would never
believe...
P. S...I thank the Lord for making me a part of
leading several children and adults to HIM. The
angels in heaven rejoiced over these new babes in
Christ.
May God be with you all....
And I send hugs to you all,
Beverly
Feb. 15, 2001
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